What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?

I have no regrets .

I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!

He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.

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So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.

They are buried together, in the same grave..

But, we were locked up after school.

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She died at 55 of colon cancer.

He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!

I couldn’t, believe it.

What’s the worst thing you caught anyone in your family doing?

So whats the point in blame.

I was 9 years of age.

Why did i forgive my father ?

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I of course replied” arh beautiful!

Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life

Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.

Why do most people care so much about what others think? Are they afraid of society norms?

I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.

19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.

Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.

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It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.

I might have to go back 30 generations or more..

Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.

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She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!

But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!

I know ,a lot about trauma.

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One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.

I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.

It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.

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5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.

So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.

I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.

Why do narcissist move on so easily?

With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.

I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.

His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!

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Where the ultimate outsiders.

As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.

We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..

How did you know you weren't the narc?

Its mostly always from childhood abuse .

Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.

The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!

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Especially a lifetime of it.

Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.

As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.

But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.

She was in good health!

I waited trembling.

But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!

Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?

He was dying to do it , i knew.

You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .

Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..

As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)

Thats was my nicest nick name for him

And, all my friends down the years ,where users.

Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..

As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!

I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .

He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.

She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!

I write beautiful poetry .

What did i know ?

My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!

And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!

Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..

Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t

Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!

I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.

He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.

One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.

I was writing from the time i was a small child.

But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !

The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,

I did it because my mum asked me too!

He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!

As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!

Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.

She loved him until the end.

Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!

Ive learnt so much.

Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)

Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!

Was to survive, this bastard.

He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!

The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..

She was a women, a mother with her own children!.

(And it was in our own minds.)

For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)

We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.

And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!

A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.

I never cut or harmed myself..

I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers

My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.

I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.

I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.

When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!

My family never makes their pension either.

We all went to grammer schools

I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor

My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.

My life is so biszare .

But it wasn’t much.

Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.

She wouldn,t have been !

Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.

Who then, do I blame.?

And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!

I could never make a relationship work though!

We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!

I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!

Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other

My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.

And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .

But ive been too sick for many years..

My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.

They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?

My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .

That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.

I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.

She found it foreign!.

So, i spoilt her more .

I was very sick at this time too.

The only rule us 5 kids had .

I had hoped to write a book about this .

And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.

The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.

Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.

I was scared of men, in general

Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.

He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!

Im dying but, im not bitter.

I was seconnd youngest,

But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,

I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.

I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.

And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)

Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.

I said to her

He resisted the act ,that day.

Im still living with it.

She married twice! .

His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.

BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.

My mum and dad in the seventies!

Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!

I think the readers, may guess!

And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!

Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.

It was going to be , some day.

Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years

She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!

I will be 64.

I suffer greatly, because of BPD..

This is how, and why children get BPD.

You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.

This is soul school!.

Comes on , in middle age.

.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them

Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!

Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.

Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.

And i lived it daily.

Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.

Put me off passion for life!!

She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.

One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)

We could never speak unless he spoke to us!

And who doesn’t know suffering?

But im dying ,and its too late for me.

When she asked me how she looked .

One cannot hold on to bitterness.

Another so called friend had bit the dust..

I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.

But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).

Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..

All the time i was locked up.

I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)

Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.

Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.

I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.

We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.

I don,t even have a pension.

Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.

Would this be the day?

He knew the spot.

She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.

We were not on the streets..

He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .

Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.

One cannot live in the past .

At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.

But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .

On the 31st of Jan this month .

Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.

Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.

He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.

But im an empath, and i help lots of people.

As i do to all so called friends.?

He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!

But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!

He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.